Tracey R

Tracey Richardson's life took a dramatic turn when at 4 weeks old, her first son was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, a genetic condition for which there is no cure and a limited life expectancy.

Four months later, Tracey found out she was pregnant with her second child, a daughter, who was also born with cystic fibrosis - two children under one, both with CF.

For Tracey, the hardest part was knowing there was nothing she could do to help the deterioration and eventual death of her two children.

"Life was throwing me things I couldn't control, and I struggled to cope on a daily basis. It was very disempowering and overwhelming, and I had a deep pain with me no matter what I did," she says.

Tracey didn't realise she was depressed, and masked what was happening to her by making sure she was always frantically busy. Her marriage broke up and she worked harder and harder, but was getting deeper and deeper in o depression.

A few years later Tracey's father died of cancer, which she says illustrated to her what would eventually happen to her children. At this point she could no longer cope and was exhausted from working so hard to hide the fact she wasn't coping. Tracey ended up feeling very suicidal and was by now in crisis.

She knew that she needed some kind of help, and sat there with the yellow pages but didn't know who to call. A few weeks later she was admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

Until then, everyone around her thought she was coping.

"I shunned people's help and built up thick walls around me. I felt isolated and didn't share how I was feeling with anyone. When my Dad died it was like a hole had been pierced through those thick walls and everything fell out. It was a huge shock to wake up in a psychiatric hospital as I didn't think I was mentally unwell."

Gradually, and after trying different treatments, Tracey began to heal - although as she says, she was healed on one level but was still faced with watching her two children deteriorate, knowing they would die.

Six years later Tracey "hit the wall again" mainly due to issues surrounding her childrens' health. Remarried and with two more children, she was feeling more secure, "but still had those things ticking away underneath".

Knowing she had to do something, Tracey sat down and looked at her options. She felt she had four choices - to end her life, to walk out of her life and leave it all behind, to try harder to cope, or to start doing things differently and take more control of her attitude to herself, and to her children. Until this time she had been living day to day rather than setting goals of what she wanted to achieve.

She made a list of things she wanted from her life - one of which was to lose weight and get fit and feel more energised.

"I literally built the bridge between where I was, and where I wanted to be. I decided that if I climbed the ladder one rung each day, I would get there eventually," Tracey says.

What started off as a gym session a few times a week soon graduated into the Special K Triathlon. Tracey had lost a lot of weight and was feeling much better, but not wanting to go back to where she had been, set her sights on completing the New Zealand Ironman triathlon.

She says the Ironman was symbolic - she realised her children were dying of a medical condition - but that it was killing her as well. "Ironman was about claiming myself back for me," she says.

"It was really, really tough physically, mentally and emotionally, but I had faith it had been given to me for a reason. Crossing the finish line was like finding the exit out of the maze depression had been keeping me stuck in."

"I knew if I could finish an Ironman, I could fight depression."

Tracey says her journey has taught her a lot. "Keeping everything inside means eventually it will all blow," she says.

"I realised the situation with my children couldn't change, so I changed the one thing I could change - myself. I'm conscious depression could happen again - but now I know what to look for and what to do, and I have better self management strategies."

She says regular physical exercise isn't just a coping strategy for helping people live with depression, it can also help prevent it developing in the first place.

She also warns against using the strategy she employed to mask her depression - working harder and harder to prove you are still in control.

"There's only one direction you are heading in and that's a downward spiral that sucks you down faster and faster. Getting help early is really important so you don't slide right down that spiral. It's also important, once you've experienced depression, to have coping strategies that allow you to think your way out of the maze."

"Talking to people you can trust is something I wish I had done as soon as I realised I wasn't coping. Now people know my story, people approach me and share their experiences of depression and this is a big step forward.