Andrew

Andrew felt at his lowest at age 15. He was a shy and self conscious person growing up but he felt pressure to keep his feelings to himself so as not to burden his Samoan and Chinese parents. Failure to be up-beat and happy all the time would be seen as a sign of weakness in his close knit family. The family ideal of being strong and tough was also reinforced in his school environment.

"I attended a boy's only school where young men were not wanting to express feelings. Not sharing your feelings is perpetuated."

In the middle of a New Year's Eve party at his house, the 15 year old Andrew experienced feelings of self hatred for the first time.

"It seemed so wrong to be feeling this way on a night like that when everyone else seemed so happy."

On the outside he worked hard at putting on a front, being the nice guy and more and more he became "the listener" for those around him.

"I hated being just that. It felt one dimensional and I had all these complexities they couldn't see"

But he didn't feel free to share these feelings with friends, worrying that if he said anything people would say he was crazy or stupid.

Andrew's withdrawal into himself made it increasingly difficult to see his friendships clearly. If he called a friend and they were busy that experience got internalized so that he felt he was being rejected, he wasn't interesting enough or there was something wrong with him that meant his friend didn't want to see him.

There was an additional pressure for Andrew. By the time he was in his early teens he knew he was gay. He says he had adopted negative thinking about his sexuality so felt paralysed to tell other people.

"It's the worst feeling, feeling paralysed and feeling that you can't do anything."

At the age of 21 and in his last year at university things seemed to get worse and worse for Andrew. He had been seeing someone and, even though it was mutual, when the relationship ended he blamed himself. His depression built up until all he did was go home each night and burst into tears. He cut himself off from friends because it took too much energy to put on a front. After a couple of months he was encouraged by a friend who was seeing a counsellor to try it himself.

"I plucked up the courage and cried the whole first session. I had no idea what was happening to me, or what was going to happen in the future. I thought, oh God I'm going to die."

It turned out to be the best thing Andrew could do. The counsellor gave him real clarity by helping him understand why he was feeling the way he was. Instead of isolating himself from friends when he feels down, these days Andrew lets them know how he's feeling and says it helps because they can cheer him up.

"The friendships have the chance to deepen because you've shared something so personal and that builds a lot of trust."

Last year Andrew told his parents he was gay. Even though Andrew's parents really care for him and want him and his sisters to be happy he feels they are still uncertain and a bit afraid to know too much about his depression. There is still a block in accepting that depression can be openly talked about.

"I've overcome a lot of things. I am aware of coping mechanisms now when I'm feeling a bit down. I still get my down periods but it doesn't last as long. It's nice to feel happy - to walk down the street and feel happy."