Alison James

I want to share my experience with depression and some of the things I've learned.

The best thing I did was talk. My sister was really good to talk to so I didn't end up going to a counsellor, but I believe that a counsellor would have been good too. Sometimes you need someone who is removed from the situation to help put it in perspective. When I was in a crisis, we would often talk about "what's the worst that could happen" and then find solutions to whatever that "worst thing" was. That helped because I have a tendency to catastrophise in my head, focusing on the worst possible scenario even if in real life things are not that bad.

I changed my routine too. I was a workaholic, working 35 hours a week on top of 40 hours at university. I eventually quit my job and went on the sickness benefit so that I could have a life. That might sound frivolous, but I had very few friends left - I hardly ever went out, and when I did I would leave really early because I just didn't have the emotional energy to interact. It took me a while to re-learn how to be a person in the world who interacts with others. My depression is a bit panic/anxiety related too, so the social side of readjusting was really difficult for me.

These days, I also notice my triggers. I have some obsessive-compulsive tendencies, so if I notice that I'm compulsively making lists or timetabling my day in 30-minute increments I stop myself (sometimes I actually say "STOP" out loud) and try to examine why I am feeling panicky. I also try not to get too stressed or take on other peoples' emotional crises, but that is still a work in progress.

Initially I was very hesitant to go on antidepressants - I didn't like the idea of putting chemicals into my body and I was really afraid of becoming addicted. But, having said that, I believe the antidepressants gave me the headspace to make those changes. I remember feeling as if a fog had lifted and I was finally seeing things in full colour.

Another thing that has really stuck with me (this all came to a head nearly 4 years ago) is something my doctor said. I was telling him how I was feeling and all the things that were going on, and he simply said:

 "Life doesn't have to be this hard."

That really struck a chord with me, as I felt like most days I was just existing until I could go back to sleep again. I really believe that, ultimately, my experience with depression has been a positive thing. It has made me examine my decisions and take time to enjoy life instead of seeing it as a list of tasks to be completed. I think that I'm a better friend and family member because of it, and I think it will make me a better nurse too, eventually!

I hope all of that doesn't overwhelm you. When things are at their worst, just take each day at a time. And, failing that, break the day down into the next 5, 10, or 15 minutes. It really helps.